Why do we struggle to maintain long-term friendships? 

The most important reason is that we judge people by their actions, not by their intentions. And we judge ourselves by our intentions, not by actions.

When we start judging someone, i.e., putting someone into the box by their intentions, we will improve the quality of friendship or relationship. 

I am sharing a story of one of my clients, whom I met online in November 2024, from Canada. She was a charming lady, working in corporate, handling the marketing team in some part of southern Canada.

She asked for an appointment for a one-on-one session as she has been depressed for the last couple of months. She was a dedicated, hard-working woman and honest in her actions. However, she revealed one point to me that she couldn't maintain a long-term friendship with anyone.
She said, "I love friendship and want a genuine friendship. However, I couldn't maintain a friendship for long. Somehow, they took me for granted or, in some cases, I didn't get the right behaviour from their end."

I listened to her very attentively and meticulously. After that, I asked her what happened when you met a new friend, and it ended with chaos. 

She replied with explanations, "Initially, everyone behaves well, which is good to hear. Coffee date, shopping, and roaming around the city were good. But slowly and gently, as time passed, they started changing their attitudes towards me. They are caring, but sometimes overpossessive, which I don't like. Then they expect more time from me, which is also challenging for me, as I have a fixed office time. Then I need to take care of my household things alone. Sometimes, unintentionally, I ignore their caring attitudes. They got hurt. Then they start behaving rudely or sometimes with an attitude. Sometimes they become silent for a week. It hurts me tremendously. And because of unwanted misunderstandings, it creates a gap in our friendships." 

I asked, 'Have you ever analysed your behaviour towards them too?" 

She replied confidently, "Yes, I try to maintain friendship with good intentions, yeah, though sometimes I misbehaved, but my intentions were pure. I never try to hurt them intentionally."

I smiled and replied that this was the mistake we used to make in our friendship. I added, "We know that our intentions are genuinely correct, and that's why we never judge ourselves by our actions. We always focus on our intentions. And at the same time, we judge others by their actions or patterns of behavioural movement. We never try to understand their intentions. Maybe their intentions are pure, too."

She was listening to my words and replied after a few-second pause, "Yes, I never think like this."
I could see her eyes filled with tears. 
Then I shared my thoughts on this. "Everyone appreciates good behaviour from others and puts others into a box by their actions. But nobody tries to understand the intentions behind the actions. When we deal with people, especially those who are not our family members, they are entirely unknown to us. So, we never try to understand their psychology. We only expect that they would treat us with understanding of our intentions. Actually, it happens vice versa. And finally, we create confusion, bitterness, and end up with silent behaviour. But we can improve this friendship or relationship by judging others by their intentions, not by their actions. And we must judge ourselves by our actions, not by our intentions."
After listening to my words, she was silent for a few minutes. Then she replied with a smile, "Yes, I have understood. I need to judge myself by my actions, which I may ignore, knowing my intentions are pure. And I don't care about their intentions." 

She smiled and thanked me again.

#INSIGHT
We know what we are, and we can also correct our actions. We do not need to ask others to correct their behaviour or recheck their actions. They may be helpful, kind, loyal and respectful to others. But, seeing the action points from our side, they get hurt and become silent. Sometimes, they may try to correct us by giving advice. We must listen to them with patience and accept those actions with a big smile. Only then can we reduce the invisible gap between our promising friendship or relationship.